If you are raised a pleaser, you know this story. If you believe that being a people pleaser will make you a better person, you know it too. I used to believe that I needed to be good at everything, and that failure was not tolerated. I was taught that being a good person was pleasing everybody else. Not serving, pleasing. I was raised to believe that putting myself first was egoistic and selfish, and that setting myself aside to help someone else was expected of me. I believed and did. Program accepted. Don´t get me wrong, helping others can be a wonderful thing, but we tend to confuse pleasing and serving.
Pleasing vs serving:
The reason we get this all mixed up is because we are pleasers by nature. It is natural to want to be helpful and pleasing. It is natural to want to serve unconditionally. This whole topic has come forth as a symptom of our imbalanced lives and emotional patterns. We are lost and thrown off balance by our lives and our fears. Our insecurities love to wallow in the realm of pleasing. We almost put ourselves out as martyrs to feel the full benefit of giving. We practice people pleasing, which is something we do to get our own need met. It comes from wanting validation and feeling worthy. People pleasing is something different. It comes from the ego, from wanting something, from insecurity.
- We please others for validation and for approval. It can also be used as a means of controlling another person. It`s a reflection of not feeling complete and whole. There is the constant longing to be seen and appreciated. As children we tend to please our parents as a mean to be seen and to get praise. The constant search for the outside reason to feel good about ourselves has started. With a lie, it has started this crazy race that one can never win. The longer you are in it, the less validated you will feel. The original intent bites us in our beautiful behind, over and over again.
- Serving comes from looking at the bigger picture. When it comes from the heart, helping someone is natural. Being there for someone, a community or a cause, will lift and empower you. Being able to bring forth joy and inspiration is empowering and giving. You will never expect anything in return, and it will come from free will and excitement.
- Pleasing takes from your soul. The battle that goes on inside when a people pleaser gives and gives, leaves a hole of un-fulfillment. We end up disappointed, as there have been expectations attached to the giving and pleasing. Even when they are tired or have to cancel their own tasks, they will show up to help. Resentfully so. Never happy about the service, feeling more and more used, and left with an even bigger hole inside that needs to be filled.
- Service is given in joy. Always willingly and from the heart. These people know how to take care of themselves, and that they cannot be of much service if they don’t love themselves first. They also know that they can`t help everybody, all the time. Being of service is listening to the soul’s purpose and living in gratitude and appreciation. It is an honor to be able to serve.
- When you please, you pay for it. It comes with a cost, to lose yourself and your boundaries. It often cultivates the victim mentality. You are sorry for yourself for having to always do everything for others, and it build up resentment and anger. It could also leave you feeling superior, if that is what you need. You are now better than the rest, for putting everybody else`s needs before your own. You are the hero, the martyr even. It eats at your soul, your spirit and your sense of freedom. The cost is loss of empowerment. A high price to pay to try to please your way out of your own misery. Heaven forbid you say no. How could you? They would look at you as a terrible person. You would be nothing.
- When you serve, you gain: From a sense of connection and spiritual awareness, as a server you feel much obliged and honored to be of service. The joy of being able to give is enough, it is fulfillment in itself. It is chosen, and it is done in harmony with your identity. When you serve, you nurture strong relationships and boundaries and are able to act compassionately.
- As a pleaser you withdraw from your life. By turning your back on your own needs, you are isolating yourself from the world around you. You have to suppress anything that does not please How authentic is that? Now no one sees the real you, not even you. From years of being a people pleaser, I know first-hand how disconnected from our own needs we can get. Now we feel unseen and like nobody really knows who we are, and they don´t.
- As a server you connect: Not only to those around you, but to all that is. By being one who listens to yourself and creation, you will feel even more connected by carrying out the divine plan of being in service. As you act from authentic feelings you will draw like-minded people towards. More situations that are real and true will show up at your doorstep.
“True giving is receiving. If you cannot see that, you are not truly giving.” – Hilde Larsen
Whenever you expect a return on your giving, like an investment, you are off base. Nothing could be farther from the energy of true service. It has no expectations at all. The gift is in the pleasure of being able to contribute. The joy in that itself is what fills the heart. When you look at giving as a favor that has to give you something back, you operate from a sense of scarcity, like you will run out of favors to give, or helping hands to offer. Believe me, there is always enough, and you will never run out. Who said that? Your self-worth is not at stake, and you will not get burned out if you take care of yourself. Whenever you feel obligated to do something, and you mask up with your perfect smile to seem helping and sacrificing, stop it!
A gift is something that always spreads and keeps giving. The ripple-effect is enormous. An act of true kindness will spread like wildfire. The size in value is unseen to the giver. The receiver, by forwarding the empowerment given, is participating in the growth of your gift. A true blessing.
Get rid of your own shit, and serve along the way:
More often than not, we tend to be eager to help others help themselves. It is easy to see fault in others, to want to jump to their rescue. We know better, and all we want is the best for them. We are doing it out of kindness, and we might very well know better, intellectually. We might even be able to guide them towards exactly what they express that they are looking for, but is it any of our business, really? Even though we have the best intent, it is not our place to try to change anyone that has not asked for our help. Even if it doesn’t seem that they are choosing the best, smartest, or the most beneficial path, it is their own. All we can do is to offer. All we can do is to let them know we are there. That is all. Everything else is not being of service, it is being a pain and not respecting other people’s boundaries. We also tend to project our own baggage onto other people. The “I am cold. Everybody must be freezing” syndrome. Having the need to change others views or behavior comes from a need to control. Let us take back our own control, but not by controlling others. None of our business.
There is an old saying that addresses this topic; Sweep outside your own front door before you try to clean someone else’s. This tell us that we should bring the energy back to ourselves and focus on bettering ourselves first. I would then say to leave the broom at your own door, period. Let people use their own broom, when they see fit. We can all have a broom-party together, if we so choose. By invitation only.
Serving and pleasing, giving and helping. All words that easily get entangled in each other.
The difference lies in the energy behind the word, not in the word itself. We all need help now and then, and we all feel better being able to give back to the world. Through so many different ways, we can all contribute. The bullshit belief that we need something back, a validation or a prize, is not serving any of us. All of us trying to be perfect, while none of us ever will be. There is no such thing, and at the same time we are perfect. It doesn`t matter. Creation doesn`t give a shit. Only we do, and it is holding us back. You might believe that you have to be in a certain place, or be able to hold a special skill to help and guide others. Not so. All you have to do is be you, and there is always someone that will need what you have to offer. You are enough, always. You have a gift, you have an experience that others can benefit from, and you are able to change someone else`s life today.
“We can`t help everyone, but everyone can help someone” – Ronald Reagan
No more people pleasing:
It is time to recover from being a people pleaser, and it starts with you. It is always you, me, and us. I am sure that we all recognize this trait. Trying to do the right thing, for a series of reasons. To not have to deal with conflict, to not have to worry about someone, or to get some attention and validation.
Practice listening to yourself. Be mindful of your own thoughts and feelings. They indicate how you perceive your life. They also tell you some valuable information about your belief system in general. Let them guide you and be your friends. Emotions and feelings are a natural part of you. Acknowledge them as your friends. Let them speak and listen.
Be humble and connected. You are a part of the God force, and as long as you stay connected, you will need no validation from others. Stop chasing the outside for what you are looking for. It was always within. Get real with your own shortcomings and strengths. Appreciate, pray and be true to yourself.
Be open and honest. Be authentic and real towards others. Stand your ground by learning how to say no. You have to set your own boundaries. Both yes and no has a place in your life, although to reject is most often the hardest to say. You are allowed to disagree with anyone about anything. Look at why you are not comfortable choosing yourself and your own needs. Let no one tell you what to do, say or feel.
Respect others. Respect other people`s feelings and choices, and expect them to do the same. Don`t preach over them or tell them what to do. Don`t help until asked, and see each person as having their own journey. You are not the lead in their life. You are only the boss of your own. Stay in the service mode towards the world, without having a need to fix anything or anyone. Who gave you the authority to try to change anyone? Allow them the integrity to make their own decisions.
Stay clear about people pleasing. We were never meant to be pleasers. We are givers. We are all our own authorities and equally able to make our own choices. We are not meant to compromise for validation. Through mutual respect and encouragement, we can live in support of each other. You are free. Whatever you thought you had to do, or who you needed to please, you are hereby off the hook. Recap that energy and use it for something that will cultivate growth and happiness.
How can you make a true impact?
Wanting to serve and give is a natural trait of a human being. It is a sign of healthy soul and an inspired spirit. Having a positive impact on the world is a blessing, and something to stretch towards for all of us. With all this crazy mind-blowing manipulation going on, all givers and awakened spirits needs to step forth. The world needs you, it needs all of us. A small act of kindness and service will make a huge impact. Not only for a person or a family, but on the world in general. I believe we all have that longing to make a difference. We want to matter. We want our lives to matter.
I remember the first time someone wrote me and told me that because of me, they were no longer suicidal. Because of what I had told them and shown them, they were now on their way to a happy healthy life. A woman sent me a message saying that she was no longer diabetic, and that because of this, she had inspired her sister to help herself too. She was now cancer free.
We are not all meant to work with people on this level, although we can all do something that will impact the masses. By simply living your truth, you are spreading the light. By simply walking your talk, you are leading others. By simply being loving and caring from your heart, you are helping others open their own hearts. Sharing is caring.
The world needs more fruit trees, more forests, clean water and clean air. Maybe you have a passion for the environment and can contribute to a better world by helping heal mother earth. Our children need our attention and our love, to be able to grow up feeling free in a world of chaos and stress filled living. People are suffering, starving, lost and running from war. Animals are suffering, and just by education yourself, you are raising your awareness and the ability to positively impact a cause that is close to your heart. It will come to you, once you step out of the pleasing mode.
For years I played the phrase in my head: “How can I serve”. It revealed itself to me. It became a natural part of my life. When we contribute, we fill our cups. We are charged with love and gratitude.
Expect nothing, give what you can.
Make friends with some new thoughts of abundance. Being able to give comes from the knowing that there is always enough. You are always enough, and you have more then you need. More love, more good intentions, smiles, encouraging words, enthusiastic engagement and authentic interest. Ask yourself these questions every day;
How can I serve?
How can I add value?
How can I make a positive impact?
How can I be my very best while being of service?
What is my true calling?
Be quiet and listen for the answer. It might come right away, or show itself at the right time, as your life changes for the better. It will come from your passion and love for life, never from fear or ego-based thinking. There are no right or wrong way to contribute. While it might seem little or insignificant to you, it can be life changing to another.
You don’t have to be perfect to be a mentor or a leader. You just have to be genuine. I stared guiding others long before I was fully educated or healed. People needed my knowledge. They needed someone who were more experienced than they were. There are always people and situations that need what you can give. Chop wood, carry water, smile, show up and power up yourself. Be open and willing. It is a blessing.
By being of service you are also utilizing your gifts. They are given to us, as a service to the world. So, by using them you are blessing others, and by doing so you are blessing yourself. It will transform your whole life to let your talents flow. A musician does the world service with his or her music. Touching souls and raising the vibration.
When you express yourself though enthusiasm you are inspiring others to be of service as well. The ripple effect is unstoppable. Just by being happy, you are serving. So you see, in term, taking care of you, is of great service to humanity. So simple, so profound.
Create through the clarity of your own vibration. Create your desires and let the manifestations that come from it be the service to this world. Being of service does not mean you are going to fill a void of lack. Not at all. It simply means being in your own flow, so that the whole world will benefit. You are unique and the world needs you. Not as a pleaser, but as a contributor of your true self and passion. You are unique, and that in itself is enough. Be true, be real, be loving and be present. You are a gift. Give it!
A life lived with passion willingness to be of service will never let you down. The power of creation will manifest a tenfold return. Not as a means of thank you, but as a natural part of the flow of creation. Let your life expand beyond the daily routines of work and obligation. Let there be room to give back, and to receive. You might feel drawn to donate to a good cause, volunteer at a soup kitchen, an animal shelter or a crises center.
A neighbor might need a strong hand. You might feel drawn to charity work in your community or to spend your life traveling the world sharing a message of hope and inspiration. It does not matter. By walking you walk and your own talk, you are always enough. Leave your heart open to new ideas.
Be inviting and watch how life unfolds at a new level.
All you have to do is live.
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Health/Mindset Coach/Author/Speaker/Detox Specialist/Life-Enthusiast