After years of ignoring my crappy health. A lifetime of putting on the superwoman-face of a good girl, I had achieved it all. The ultimate level of ignorance and self-destruction. The ultimate low. From running away from my authentic self, to running towards medications and quick-fixes, I had created the most Hellish experience I could imagine. Trapped in a very sick body, imprisoned by chemical medications and grim prospects.
No healthy life in sight.
Ever.
No dreams to be fulfilled and no pain-free living, again; ever.
The medications were a deadly combo and followed me everywhere. Enbrel, the Prednisone, the painkillers, Vioxx, the Nexium and the Somadril. Quite a cocktail. What they all are, is not important. What they were helping me achieve, I would soon find out.
You see, together, they had been the overload this sick body didn`t need. In the midst of its cry for help, it was getting slapped down, until it could take no more. I was fighting the inevitable with my whole life-force. All my power went into the resistance to change and the resistance of awakening. I was using all my strength to not listen, and I was strong.
I needed a break. I knew my time at the University, going for yet an achievement was going to be short-lived. I knew I could not continue with what I was doing. I knew I had to change big time, but how? My husband and I decided to take a weekend trip to Barcelona, to try to get away from everything. As if I could get away from me!
I remember I so wanted to be able to feel happy and healthy. I had only one wish at this time, and that was to be able to wake up and not feel pain. To be able to live for just one day, without the discomfort and the despair that I was experiencing.
The trip was the furthest from fulfilling those wishes imaginable. I spent hours in the hotel bed in pain, and I had to realize, this was not me anymore. I was done traveling, and I was done having fun.
I was done.
The night we arrived home after our trip, I had the dream that changed everything.
I had an experience that changed the course of my whole life. This dream was the first of many guiding dreams and messages. It was the turning point. One single dream or vision would wake me up to change the course of my life.
It was time.
“I am looking at this enormous barrel, the metal kind that some use for burning garden leaves. I remember it being red, and all my needles, all the syringes, are in that barrel. They are sticking up, every shot I ever did, all put into that one barrel. It is filled to the rind! I keep staring at it as it explodes. The whole thing blows up, and I wake up in a state of shock! It was scary real, I could smell the fire, the smoke.”
That whole day I felt overwhelmed. I kept throwing up between classes, but it was like it didn`t matter anymore. Nothing mattered. Not me, not what I was doing, not my body, and not my life. I drove home early. I laid down on the living room sofa, and that was that. I just laid there. I was done. This was it. I had made up my mind. This had to stop, right now, right this very minute. I was done.
No more.
No more anything.
No more feeling like I was going to die, not knowing how to get help.
No more medications that only kept making me worse.
No more doing what I did not want to do.
No more acting like I was fine when I was not.
No more trying to look great, when I felt like crap.
No more being afraid of anything.
No more NOT listening to ME and my body.
No more bullshit.
I was done!
My husband found me on the sofa after work. I was still lying in the same position.
When I sat up, this is what I told him:
“I am lying down now, and I will lie here until one of two things happen; Either I get healthy, or I die. I do not care which, as long as it is one of them. No more medications, I AM DONE! This, I cannot do anymore. This is not living. I am done! “
At 42, my body did not want to keep signaling me anymore. My whole being went on strike to save my life. I had been called.
The change had happened.
The shit had hit the fan.
I had awakened.
I would no longer ignore my responsibility.
I would no longer care what others told me.
This was MY life,
and I had NO idea how to fix it.
But I knew this:
I would die trying.
From that day forward, I was no longer a victim.
I was a creator.
We all are.
Even though everything is constantly changing, we seem to be resistant to change itself. We have the power to change our lives, yet we most often do not want to own that power. To recognize it, to look truth in the face and to realize that we are capable of change, is hard. It is sometimes way out of reach for us, to believe in our self-creative powers. It seems we would rather stay miserable than change. Change, even though it would make our life better, is a scary thing. We find some sort of comfort in the known, and hold on to it, even though it is hurting us.
I was no different and was clinging to my lifestyle and beliefs for my dear life, although it was slowly killing me.
I had spent my whole adult life building. I was building a family, a business, relationships, and status. Oh yes, I was building the stereotype life, picket fence and all. The good girl syndrome was really keeping me on track. When my body would not follow me anymore, not even unwillingly, it was almost like a shock to me. I had always been able to “man” up, so to speak. To put on a happy face and do what I believed was needed of me, no matter what. I had always been able to look my best and to be the helping, fast track, fix-everything girl that people could rely on. Well, something was about to change, big time.
The fear of change is overwhelming for most of us. To break free from old programming and conditioning is hard, and it takes courage and strength.
I believe that we all have that courage and inner strength that it takes to turn around any given situation. I believe that we all have the ability to break free and to take charge of our own lives. The fear of change is an illusion that is holding us back from experiencing our true potential. We are strong enough to change everything. We all have so much potential, and our body is always on our side. I was going to trust my body from now on. I was going to trust myself, and my intuition. I was going to trust God and the creation. I was going to CHANGE something!
Progress is a choice, a commitment to self. I had not only been medicated with chemical drugs prescribed by a doctor. I had been self-medicating with cigarettes, alcohol, foods, caffeine and much more. I had been running away from the real issue, me. I was the one creating this, and only I could un-create it, I knew that. How? I had no idea, and if I was wrong, so be it. I was ready to find out. We use all these substances to run from our feelings, our lives and our emotions. I was done running; I had caught up with myself.
The fear of change is an illusion that is holding us back from experiencing our true potential.
Somewhere.
Now, being a raw foodist, a fruit eater, tree-hugger, qigong practiser, Health and Mindset Coach and Author, you KNOW where I am going with this.
And I hope you know where YOU are going.
Hilde Larsen
Health/Mindset Coach/Author/Speaker/Detox Specialist/Life-Enthusiast
